This rather austere woman recognised me as I was sauntering down Scropton Street.

She sez: ‘It’s you isn’t it? It really is you!”’ I coyly replied: “Yes, it’s definitely me!”

She then asked me: “When are you coming back to finish my patio?”  Of course, this happens on a constant basis. I was in a taxi to the airport and the driver kept looking at me through the rear-view mirror. After a while he sez: “Well give us a clue then, mate.”  I gave him a brief resume of my showbiz career, starting off at Belle Vue in a clown act, whilst still attending school and named a few TV shows that I’d appeared in, culminating in working as an after-dinner speaker on the corporate circuit.  He became quite agitated and shouted: “No. Which terminal do you want dropping off at?” 

I managed to burn 10,000 calories yesterday! My advice is – don’t fall asleep with cakes in the oven!

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th season, I would like to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode!

The way things are going in our ‘Woke’ society, we’re gonna have to eradicate shampoo for fear of offending bald folk. If they had a comb, they wouldn’t part with it!

Non-Stick Nora’s dog had gone deaf. She took it to the vet, who examined the canine and pronounced: “Nowt wrong with the dog, Nora.  Hair has grown too long in its ears, so I’ve trimmed it out and its right as nine pence.” Nora thanked him and asked what to do if the problem reoccurred. The vet told her to go to the chemist and buy some Immac hair remover and put a dab of it in the dog’s ears once a week. On the way home, she called in to the pharmacy and asked for the product. The chemist sez: “If you’re using it under your arms Nora, then don’t use deodorant for a few days coz it’ll sting and if you’re using it on your legs, don’t apply anything like fake tan, because it’ll cause a nasty rash.” Nora proclaimed: “It’s not for my arms or legs.  It’s for my Schnauzer!”  The chemist replied: “Well, don’t ride your bike for a week….”

The wife and I attended a fancy dress party last weekend. We went dressed as bank robbers.  We had an awesome time.  Well I did. The missus was sat outside in the car all night with the engine running….

British summertime: Didn’t need to alter clocks last Sunday because I’m so lazy, I left them the time they were last October. Since then, we’ve been watching ITV + 1. I’m so indolent,I  I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm.

Anyone who reckons that their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two bars of chocolate fall down at once from a vending machine. Marriage is just an alternative word for adopting a fully grown man, who can’t look after himself….

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

My parents could only afford a second hand calculator, which was missing the ‘X’ button. Times were hard.