Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.
The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”
The school phoned me today and sez, “Your son’s been telling lies again and has to do detention.” I replied, “Well, tell him he’s very good – I ain’t got a son!”
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge…
Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, known as Gubbins Syndrome, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet….
The wife and I went to see a marriage guidance councillor last Tuesday. He asked if I knew what her favourite flower was. I held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and replied, “I know this one, it’s Homepride isn’t it?”
I’ve recently conducted some research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.
The results were, quite frankly, staggering! There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk. Up!
I met a homeless man sitting on a bench; I asked him how he ended up this way. He said: “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had a roof over my head, three meals a day, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym every day, the library, even school if I wanted.” I asked him, “What happened? Drugs, alcoholism, divorce?” “Oh no! Nowt like that.” he exclaimed. “I just got out of prison…”
Fascinating Fact: The average person will walk nine hundred miles per year and will drink on an average, a staggering twenty-seven gallons of beer. That’s an average of 41 miles to the gallon. I get about 90 miles to the gallon, give or take the odd 100 litres.
Have you ever possessed an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles, but hesitated, because you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and never worry about getting dizzy if you assume a comical position and strike da pose!
You can follow me on www.twitter.com/comedianuk Now, get back to work!