Breaking News: A man died at a Midlands chocolate factory yesterday. Apparently, a pallet load of boxes toppled over and crushed him. An eye-witness said, “He shouted, ‘The Milky Bars are on me!’ However, everyone just cheered and threw their hats in the air” Although this was an unfortunate accident, it would appear that the biggest cause of death is being surrounded by your family. Whenever you read of anyone passing away, they are all ‘surrounded by their family’…

Still on the subject of mortality, my great-great-great-great grandpapa lost his life at Custers Last Stand. He didn’t have anything to do the the actual battle, he was camping in a nearby field and went over to complain about all the noise…

After much forethought, I’ve made my mind up and decided on a change of career. I’m going to university to study astrology. I have applied for a Russell Grant.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, little Albert stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Albert?’ ‘No, miss, I don’t, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’ She noticed that Albert wasn’t too strong on his maths. She called him and said, ‘Albert, what are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?’ Albert quickly replied, ‘BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!’

I was languishing at the bar in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when a girl came up to me.”Fancy buying me a drink?” She cooed, “Of course,” I replied. “But only if you let me choose.” “Okay,” she grinned. “But how will you know what I want?” “Well, it’s kind of a talent,” I smiled. “All I do is look a person up and down and I know exactly what drink suits them best.””Right,” she giggled. “You can choose for me”. “So I turned to the barman and said, “Diet coke please, mate.”Top of Form

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Well wicked innit!” The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately twenty quid’s worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked, “Romford” said the girl, “Woss that gotta do wiv you, innit?”

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light?  Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung!  Assume a comical position and strike the pose. All the cool kidz are at it!