Well, I’ve finally done it! I bought a new pair of shoes that have memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchenette…

Still on the subject of shoes, remember the excruciating pain that was felt when your kids were little and you trod on a Lego brick in your bare feet.  

Well, I’ve invented a shoe made from Lego.  Now when you stand on a Lego brick, you just become taller!

Yesterday, I quite fancied a cup of tea, but then I asked if anyone else wanted one. Now I’m a professional caterer!

Innit awful gerrin auld! Do you remember: 

Galoshes in the gym: Scoffing winkles with a pin: 

Hopscotch on the path:  When Bugs Bunny made you laugh: 

Newspapers delivered by hand: The Salvation Army Band: 

When the dustmen took away your bin: When your bath was made of tin: 

Back ginnels were dark and smelly: Jackanory on the telly: 

Wine gums in a pack: A hundredweight of coal carried in a sack:

Barmy Albert always looked on the bright side.  He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” 

To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad and so terrible, that even Albert could
find no hope in it.  On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Albert, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in
bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”   “That`s awful,” sez Albert, “But it could have been a lot worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his angry friend, “Could it have been a lot worse?”   “Well,” replied Albert, “If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!”

On “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!” a cockroach and a rat went to the Jungle Stores and asked for Matt Hancock repellent! 

It just said on the TV advert that Christmas wouldn’t be the same without M&S . This is true because without the M & S, it would spell Chrita…

Are Nice biscuits pronounced Nice or Nice? I reckon it’s Nice, but Non-Stick Nora reckons it’s Nice…

Fascinating Fact: Flattyre will get you nowhere…

Q)What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
A)Banananaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

It’s relatively easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas the other will see you later…

Winning isn’t everything. Winning, doing high fives, gloating and rubbing their noses in it. That’s everything!

If you help a man when he is in trouble, then he will always remember you when he is in trouble again…

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com