Austin knight funnies
Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Albert would shout, “When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbours hated the cantankerous Albert, however, he liked the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Nora’s neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?” Non-Stick Nora replied, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down … and I know for a fact that he won’t ask for directions.”
Yesterday morning, in Manchester city centre, I saw a homeless fella snoring his head off, inside a big cardboard box outside Piccadilly station. Not wishing to disturb his slumber, I crept over and carefully placed a large Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He awakened immediately and cheerily exclaimed, “Cheers mate, thank you very much.” “No problem.” I replied. He looked at me again and shouted, “Oi! It’s empty!” I replied, “I know. It’s supposed to be a chimney pot.”
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in … What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a rise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a rise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten per cent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal. Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee: Oh, British Gas, United Utilities Water, Council Tax and the Halifax Mortgage Company!
Right. That’s it! As from today, I’ve made the decision to quit being a pessimist. It would have never worked out in any event.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
