The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. “Oh this is a really nice surprise,” she whispered. “Too flamin’ right it is,” I replied, “I didn’t expect you back until Wednesday.” Took the wind out of my sails, I can tell you!
I was sauntering down the High Street the other day, when this little kid stopped me outside the newsagents and opined: “Can you go in the shop and buy me some cigarettes please” “Definitely not!” I replied” “Come on…” He said, “They’re not for me, they’re for me dad” “Well, why can’t the lazy bar steward come and get them for himself?” I asked. “He’s not eighteen until August” he replied. You could have knocked me down with a feather!
BBC News: “Being obese can cut your risk of dementia” Let’s rephrase that to: “Fat geezers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept”
On Britain’s Got Talent, a dog act has won it for the last two consecutive years. In order to leap onto this bandwagon, I have taught my dog Alfie to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in just under an hour
I’ve been working on a voluntary basis for The Samaritans but didn’t feel like going in yesterday. I phoned in sick and they talked me out of it….
I knocked on my neighbour’s door yesterday, and said, “Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine’s out of order at the present time.” “Not at all, come on in,” he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, “Excuse me, but are you all right in there?” I shouted, “I’m spot on. But you need to buy more Radox bubble bath, by the way.” You don’t ask, you don’t get!
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden. Now, I’m thinking, “Who the hell is going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?”
This July, when it’s been sunny, I think, ‘beer garden.’ When it has rained, I usually go to Wetherspoons for a while. In January, when it was snowing, I just liked to sit in front of the telly with a case of beers. I’m beginning to think I have a serious problem with the weather.
The Metropolitan Police were given strict orders from the Chief Constable to clean up the Soho area. That night, a paralytic bloke staggered towards a copper and said, “Excushe me offisher, what time is it?” The cop replied, “It’s one o’clock,” and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. “Jeepers,” sez the drunk. “I’m glad I didn’t ask you an hour ago.”
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
