Had an emergency visit to A & E at the local hospital yesterday afternoon, because I’d accidentally swallowed two tablets that were inadvertently left on the table.  The doctor, (who was extremely perturbed with regard to my condition) immediately performed a stomach pump and subsequently retrieved an iPad and a Kindle. I feel so much better now!

Went to a local restaurant and the missus wasn’t keen on what was on the menu.

The waiter sez, “Would you like to hear the specials, madam?”
The wife replied, “Yes please” The waiter then sez,” Dis town, Ah ah, is comin’ like a ghost town!

There is absolutely NO reason to tailgate me when I am driving at 50mph in a 30mph zone.

Furthermore, those flashing blue lights on the top of your car look totally ridiculous!

Starting next month due to budget cuts, the Immigration and Customs Dept will start deporting O.A.P’ s in order to lower the Social Security and pension budget. Older people are easier to catch and less likely to be able to remember how to get back home. That’s me gone then!

Things are on the up! The good news is that the missus has landed a part-time job, washing dishes. She’s not keen on her new employment, because it’s at Jodrell Bank….

On Monday, I went to visit the opticians up Scropton Street.  Whilst we were chatting, I told him that I can see four years into the future. He reckons I’ve got 2020 vision!

We all make mistakes.  Doing certain things without forethought. For instance, I should never have called my dog ‘Shark’. I’ve been banned from so many beaches!

Thought for Thursday: Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.”

The headline in the newspaper was, “Crack Cocaine Causes Weight Loss.” Well it would do, wouldn’t it, when there’s a gigantic purple dinosaur brandishing a laser powered rocket launcher, guarding the fridge. Tell us summat we don’t know!

I was really squashed up next to a young blonde woman on the train from Manchester yesterday morning. She sez to me that I was ‘Creepily close’. Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I’d have asked for their opinion. But there wasn’t. So I couldn’t….

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round?  Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email.                    Now, get back to work!