A man was knocked over last week on the A57, by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry. When the Police constable went to inform his wife, he told her;  “There’s really no easy way to say this…”
The missus had just got back from the garden centre, and I was engrossed watching the footie. I didn’t assist her unloading the car, so she was incandescent with rage and in a foul mood.  After she unloaded copious hundredweight sacks of compost, she proceeded to pick up a set of 4 solar-powered spiked aluminium garden lights, looked directly at me and proclaimed:  “I’m going to shove these where the sun don’t shine”. I sez: “Well, they’re not gonna work then…”
The bloke in a Parcelforce van stopped and asked me the time, yesterday. I informed him: “It’s between 8 am and 12 noon, mate. See how he likes it!  
Whilst walking around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend, I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant I know, but it was his 21st birthday! A woman asked me why my dog  Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions.  She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?”I replied: “Well, yes and no!”  Suddenly, Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him; I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase.  I phoned the RSPCA and told them of my find.  The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure.  But that would certainly explain the suitcase.”  
Whilst driving through my old home town last week, I was reminiscing about the old days and drummed up the courage to stop at the house where I used to live.  I knocked on the door and courteously asked if I could go inside and if I could have a look around.  I was curtly informed to “Bugger off and don’t come back!”   Mind you, my dad always was a cantankerous old git!
Hypothetically, if I was awarded the privilege of taking iconic Swedish pop group Abba out for lunch, I would, my friend, for Nando’s.
Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. There is no machine in existence that can do the work of one extraordinary person.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own.  Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.   Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!