Austin Knight’s Funny Page.

This time around Austin delivers more of his own self-penned funnies.
The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up at the airport. A barrage of unrelenting blather assaulted my ear holes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here,mate.”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where ‘m supposed to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the grooms vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? “The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned forward the clergyman exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune time. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt into a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up.
I woke up yesterday morning feeling all peaceful and calm, so I Googled my symptoms and was convinced that I might be dead! You know you’re getting old when you see a bunch of kids playing doctors and nurse, and then you realise that you’re in intensive care ward at the local infirmary. The consultant informed me that I had, “Something very rare.” When I asked him exactly what that was, he replied, “A bed!”
I’ve trained my dog Alfie how to fetch me a can of beer. Now, dear reader, this may not sound all that impressive to you, but he gets them from my neighbour’s fridge!
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower. Do you have more fun or do you get more light? Visit my website: www.Comedian UK.com Email me comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!