I frightened the postman yesterday by going to the door with no clothes on. I’m not really sure what scared him most, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Yesterday, I parked in a disabled space at Tesco. Worst thing I could have done! Within the blink of an eye, the security bloke meandered over and exclaimed, “What disability do you have then?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, “Tourettes, f**k off!”
He gazed at me with much disdain. He had a face like a murderer’s labourer. “There’s no need to use Elizabethan expletives in your language, I’m merely doing my job!” he proclaimed. “People like you are Jobsworths.” I curtly informed him. “There are eleven disabled spaces available. It’s not as if eleven disabled folk are going to descend onto this car park at this precise moment in time, is it?” Then, as if to make me look a right plonker, the Aston Villa Team Bus pulled in!
After this unfortunate farrago, I parked the car elsewhere and gingerly ventured into the store.
I sez to the checkout girl, “This has today’s date on it, can I have a discount?” She replied that if she were to give me a discount, then she would have to give everyone else a discount. Not wishing to labour the point, I repeated that it had today’s date on and should therefore be discounted. She then became most annoyed and shouted, “Do you want this newspaper or not?”
That’s when the trouble started! I was making every endeavour to pay, using my debit card and it wouldn’t work. The checkout chick, already annoyed at the previous shenanigans, lost her temper and yelled, “Strip down, facing me!” That’s when I ended up in the back of a police van.
Yesterday morning, I was on the phone to nPower about my exorbitant electricity bill and I sez to the missus, “Just nip into the garage and quickly make a note of what it says on the meter” She returned and passed me a post-it-note, on which was written, ‘Danger High Voltage’….
The wife asked me where I was going and I told her that I was going to the corner shop. She sez, “Could you get me a litre of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” When I returned, she flipped her lid and went bananas, screaming and shouting at me. She hollered, “Why in God’s name have you brought back twelve litres of milk?” I replied, “Because, they had eggs…”
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
